sensitive skin
You Might Also Like
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief