I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
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Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Nose
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.