*frowns in Scottish*
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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…