*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how