They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
You Might Also Like
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.