Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
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Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.