my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.