I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Watermelon Boss!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?