Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.