hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?