Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread