If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
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Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
#milo
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.