Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
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40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
me and the Superbowl rn
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’m putting together a team
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Name another movie that mislead you?