I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.