Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
You Might Also Like
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Had to try this trend 😊
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”