*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
They must have gotten it to go.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
In case you needed to hear it:
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!