Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
This is sending me to another galaxy
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
just pretend nothing happened
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.