I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
The funk soul brother
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.