“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
You Might Also Like
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”