The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here