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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…