I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?