Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
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Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”