I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.