July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines