[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Bloody internet 😳
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Did my cat write this
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.