They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
A friend sent me this.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*checks Timeline*…
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!