“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in