4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
seems fine
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.