Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Go girl power!
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
(True)
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?