Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Extremely relatable.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.