I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
ouch
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
excuse me
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭