M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
*mops up wine with cat*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
What a website
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
RT if you could go either way.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.