I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
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Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“TGIM!” – My liver