My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.