The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“You’d better run, egg!”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.