If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Herpes is trending, good job people
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?