I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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Well, this certainly took a turn
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Sign of the day..
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Lmbo
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog