1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.