ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!