*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”