ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.