Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
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Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I got soap in my shower beer again.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.