i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*