What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Morning my dudes.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.