Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
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Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*