Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.