I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
shut up and take my money
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY