Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved