Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
You Might Also Like
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
#SaturdayBears
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.